You’re tired of pretending, tired of bluster, tired of fake swagger, tired of your pride, tired of seeming cool, tired of blowing things off, tired of shrugging, tired of going with the flow, tired of acting unattached, easygoing, tough, cool, incredible. You are tired of trying to be the very best, most beautiful, smartest, coolest, funniest, most ravishingly perfect woman in the room.
And yes, when you start demonstrating your vulnerability, your weakness, which I feel strongly that you should do, when you stop trying to hide your flaws, when you start making it clear that you are just another person in the room, not the best or the worst, when you fail to spin your story in any way, when you strive to appear brave but still admit to feeling crumpled and silly, when you show people who you are and even how you feel without apology (this doesn’t mean being bold and showing off, necessarily, it can mean anything), when you try to bring your whole person into the room, the warty loser and the dude lover and every last one of you, then you will repel many, many men, and you will also attract a few who are exactly the sorts of men you want to know. Or not, but they’ll be better for you than the ones who liked the fun-time chick, the one who wouldn’t mind painting her naked body blue for Burning Man.
You are pretty great, you know that. Now it’s time to try to be not that great at all. Just be average.
And after that? Once you feel relieved by how regular and mediocre and flawed you are, relieved for some weird reason? You’ll suddenly find that you want to go on a long walk, just to think. When your mind starts saying “you fucking suck,” tell your mind to fuck itself. And then, after the walk, you’ll have a cup of tea, and then you’ll start cleaning your apartment. You’ll reorganize your bookshelves, while you talk on the phone to a friend. You’ll buy yourself some flowers.
This is the start of a new era for you. You might be a little less fun to talk to at a bar or at a party, you might have less men around you, but you will be much happier. You now have permission to be exactly the way you are. No matter how ugly you think that is, you are not alone, and plenty of people will find your ugly very beautiful. This is the breakdown you’ve been waiting for, for a long, long time.
I like you much better already.