You can spend your whole life thinking you want commitment.
You grow up with a clear idea of exactly what it is that you want, and yet when you have it, when it's there, attainable, on your doorstep, you change your mind.
Perhaps this is what we need: a dream, a hope for the future, something to aspire to, and perhaps we need to keep replacing this dream with something a little bigger, because when we manage to fulfill the dream, we usually find out that it's not what we wanted in the first place, or if it is,
it doesn't feel the way we always thought it should.
Sometimes, if you're very mixed up, very stupid, or very thoughtless, you screw up the dream just as you get it. you tell yourself you don't deserve it, and you have to start all over again. sigh.